Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
