Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
