beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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