Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
