Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
