So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
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I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
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Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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