I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
