i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm too high and old for this...
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