he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
