I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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