My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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