you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
