I can feel you judging me through the phone.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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