People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
