Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Hippo gnu deer
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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