I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.â€
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