Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
All the doctor said was why
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
