You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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