I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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