my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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