Umm I'm too high to move.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
