Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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