Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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