70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
