It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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