We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
