Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
