fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
