I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
