we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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