i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
