The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
