Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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