hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
