Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
