If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
