went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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