Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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