i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you had me at cake vodka
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
