I wish I could teleport
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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