I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Hello my rib-scented angel!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
