Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
