Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
