It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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