He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
