"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
