now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
