And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
