im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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