Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
