Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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