Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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