Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
