My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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