you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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