Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
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I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
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Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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