I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
