I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
