The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
